Monday, August 27, 2012

A Delayed Mind

With very little time and a mind that is as confused as the body following it, i continue to live my life in hope that some glimpse of sunlight will fall into my sight. As 5 weeks soon became 20, because for some reason 20 weeks seems shorter than 5 months. It doesn't seem possible to know that it's been nearly 6 months since a time that seemed like yesterday. If you can't tell already i am very much stuck in my past, because that is a time where i would much rather be. A time that consisted of friendships that were as simple as the things that entertained them. For now it's the idea of what's next and how do we keep ourselves from facing the fact that our best friend forced his own fate, that I know put him in the most content place he could be and maybe gave him a view that allows him to love us even more so than he could when his presence was with us. I really have no true answer to that though. Which is quite possibly the thing that makes me the craziest, the unknown whereabouts of someone who i long to spend just one more moment with. 

When my schedule consists of working, sleeping, school twice a week, and the few hours i'm able to possibly spend with my friends. I have little time with my thoughts, meaning that when i can think, all i want is to focus on him. When from another persons perspective i'm obviously going through the right motions in life, working towards a degree, saving up to eventually move out on my own with my age soon nearing 18, and maybe a normal social life. well from my point of view i'm stuck in a time where my memories are my realities, because like i said in my last blog, you know someone meant something when your memories become more important than your dreams. still, nearing half a year i fall deeper and deeper into a hole hoping to remember all the things i possibly can from a life that will not be able to ever occur again until possibly another life time.

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Forced Reality

While watching the series finale of Desperate Housewives tonight Susan Delfino's daughter asks her if she will ever consider marrying anyone after the loss of her husband. Susan responds with, "You know that person meant something when your memories became more important than your dreams."

Five weeks and two days ago, I was faced head on with my worst fear. My best friend and someone who had already had a permanent place in my heart was stripped from my life. While growing up, I was a kid very fortunate to have a lot, but never felt like that was the case. The simplest things were those that made me happiest. Since the age of 12 years old I have known that from high school I would continue on into nursing school to hopefully at one point become a labor and delivery nurse. I also planned to have husband and many beautiful children. My whole life, there has been nothing more exciting for me than the idea of one day becoming a mother.

Since the passing of my best friend I have fought to continue to want those things, but it seemed inevitable that my want for those things would have to once more grow in time. I knew the lack of interest centered from my grief. Though I still struggled to understand why that would be the case when those have been things I longed for a very long time. Until, I heard that quote tonight. In that moment, a very short sentence summed up how I have been feeling. I would rather fight to recover all the memories I have with Connor than create new ones, because he can't be apart of what is to come. He can't be here to see me experience all these things that I have always wished to experience. That's impossible to grasp.

I would begin to put into words how greatly this very horrific loss has affected me but I can't. I can't explain the hurt i'm forced to face every morning knowing this is my reality and every moment that can't center around him. The one thing I can begin to say is that I was one of the luckiest people in the world to of had the chance to be so close to someone so extremely special.

To all of you that have someone that you know you never want to live without, make sure that person knows that. Connor knew that I only wanted the best for him, he knew I would give him the world if I could. What he has now is a peace of mind and healed heart. If he has everything he ever wanted than I will face the pain and smile knowing he's where he wants to be.

I know you will forever stay by my side and watch over me, I love you till the end of the earth. Rest in Peace my beautiful friend, I will keep you close till my time is up and your embrace will be within my reach once again.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Much Needed Break

Bekah and I on the plane

Early evening yesterday, I arrived from Nashville, Tennessee. I went down with Bekah, who is basically my second sister. I actually flew, my first time ever. The flight went well. We departed at 11:15 and arrived at 12:35. Annetta and Maddie (bekah's step mom and little half sister) picked us up and we went back to their house. Ed, Justin, and Carmen all arrived the next day. I felt like family instantly. The weekend consisted of all of us spending time together. We sat down and played games like sequence and uno, we also did tons of karaoke. It was nice being in a home with a family dynamic. Not saying that my house doesn't have that, but we have less of one than a typical family. Friday morning bekah and i walked upstairs and we found Eric (Bekah's dad) lying down on the floor playing with Maddie (2). To see a father spending time and loving his daughters was extraordinary for me. I know how special it is to those girls. I love seeing how people interact, especially when i'm given a chance to see the other half to my two best friends. I was able to see other sides to two people i love very much. I got to see where they have inherented some of their traits. Although, I know one of them was less than excited to have my company there, I enjoyed the opportunity I was given to go. I was able to feel apart of something, more so a family. I feel apart of my family, but there was so much love in that household. It reminded me of my past. I hope to be able to travel back with them soon.
Maddie and I


Friday, August 26, 2011

A Frustrating Mind

Getting myself to write is an extremely difficult thing for me, as you may see. When i'm alone or just letting my mind take over I can find so many things to say and share with people. I'm the type of person who loves telling stories and explaining things to people, but when i'm not given the opportunity a switch flips in my mind and i tell myself that nothing no longer matters. i have had the switch for many years, and it has been easier to control as time goes on, but when it flips on it's own, so does my whole personality. No, i'm definitely not saying i'm bipolar. But there is a side to me that i refuse to let out. it's not who i want to be. It's a side of complete resistance to believe love and respect exists. Which triggers from my father's absence in my life. I find it necessary to be around my guy friends a lot, because they in some way help to fill that void. But, of course they are not the ones that will be capable of completely filling it. It's a void that will take my fathers love and presence.

But, throughout dealing with this hole i've seen myself coming to expect things from my family and friends. I don't allow myself to live without expectations. I live everyday believing something will happen or something should happen and i don't allow myself just to live. i spend each day trying to get by letting the void take over my life. I can't make myself realize that in order to live i don't have to make every effort to make everything work.

A very dominant side of me has a very big love for people and life, that is the side of me that i want to come out in my smile and actions every day. Learning how to kick old habbits is a very hard thing to do. But i know and pray that i can do it, but coming up with strength that i don't have is a hard thing.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Something Good for Me

Back in about January or February of this year, I had decided that I was tired of my school. Granted, I had only been there for 6 months I knew that it was not a place I wanted to be. Yes, I know, high school is a place no one wants to be. But, as for me, I had no interest in the high school experience. I had very little people i would talk to, i would walk to classes by myself and have the select few that i would eat lunch with. My social life consists of people outside of my school. So, i decided that for once in my life i wanted to do something to do help myself. I was not going to let myself be miserable. By this time basically every waking moment of my life was spent with abby and karly. The idea of me switching schools popped into my head and the more i began talking about it, the more i began to enjoy the idea of me switching schools to be with them. Finally, after a lot of hard convincing, i had convinced my mom that i wanted to transfer. By the last week of school my transfer was sent in.
As the summer came and is now going fast, i realized that i just have no interest in entering a high school. So, i decided to throw out the idea of online school. Within a week or two of me talking to my mom about it, i came to the conclusion that online school was now the best option for me. As of today, i am now enrolled in online school. It really didn't take much thinking for me to realize that this is the best decision i have made for myself in 6 years. I am now ecstatic about the idea of online school.
That being said I've obviously been given many opinions on what people think of this. All being completely negative. (my sister won't even gladly support me, knowing it is something that is going to make my life easier) I told myself that this is what i want, and that if people choose to not support me, then they don't care enough about me. Yes, i could be jeopardizing my whole social life. But i wouldn't change who i spend my time with for anything. I love the people in my life, and if they care about me as much as i care about them, i know they will stick around. But normally i would take all of everyone's opinions and run each one through my head multiple times, convincing myself that my decision is wrong. There has not been one thought that has crossed my mind after hearing their opinions that makes me want to change my mind. Which if you know me, you know it's a pretty big step. I'm finally able to make a decision on my own without caring about the fact that others may disagree. I cherish everyone's opinions. But in the end i know what is best for me. So, please cross your fingers in hope that i am able to succeed in this program, i have complete faith that i can.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

"The Quiet Things That no one ever Knows"

No matter what I seem to do or say, I can't change the fact that i'm unhappy with things in my life. Aren't we all in this same position though? Time is such a critical thing, and I get that it's important to just live life and be accepting of new things. Though, there is so much more to this life. I want to be able to graduate high school and move toward the career, that at this point i can only dream of. I let fear be a driving force in my life. I fear that in the end everyone will leave me and I will be forced to continue on by myself. Of course I have the capability and strength to do so, but I want to share my life with people. I'm the type of person to take the time to enjoy the littlest things. Although, I choose to not expect those moments. Of course there are things that I know I deserve and want to have but I don't expect life to hand them to me or even let me have any piece of them. I'm not one to go out and get whatever I want till I have it, because I just don't even know how to do so. I can be stubborn and completely convince myself that i'm deserving of something, but somehow that stubbornness doesn't allow me to move forward to getting it. If I knew how to force myself to put myself out there to be successful in achieving the things i want, i would be so much more content with my state of mind.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Adjusting to feeling

For a few weeks  now I was told that a family very dear to me would possibly be moving back to their home town. Hoping that this was all talk and just options for them, it turned into a reality for all of us. Saturday, June 11, 2011. I received the text from Marcey explaining to me that they would be moving on June 25th. I can honestly say my feeling of numbness overwhelmed my body. Over the past year I let myself be distant from them, because it's easy for me to push away the people that care about me the most. But i've always needed her. Now, seeing that they will be moving in 8 days, i wish i could make up for lost time.

It's also very hard for me to accept the fact that as time goes on, time will get in between more and more. The visits to see my boys will end up growing fewer. It's hard for me to know that i won't be able to watch them grow. Along with their baby sister lilly, who will be born in october. Hearing that marcey was pregnant for the 3rd time brought so much happiness to me. I was so excited to know that i would be given the chance to watch another one of their kids grow up. Being their for all of Taylor's milestones and most of Noah's was the biggest blessing in my life.

On monday, June 13th, after i got off work, i drove to Raytown to visit them. I sat with marcey drinking coffee and gave her outfits for lilly until the boys woke up. I spent the next few hours watching the boys run around the house, hearing their feet pitter patter on the floor and listening to the sound of them saying my name whenever they needed me. I watched in awe of the 2 boys that i had seen grow for the past 3 years. My heart melted when i had to say goodbye to all of them. i'm hoping to see them one last time before they leave.

It still hurts to know that they will be over 2 hours away, when at one point they lived 2 minutes away. Among all of this sadness I'm still so excited for them. They have been wanting the chance to live back home for some time now with their families. It will be an amazing new start for them.

I'm so excited for you Marcey, I know it may be hard for you to believe, but you still mean the world to me. I love you so much. I owe you for every single thing you have done for me. I promise to visit, but at some point i know those visits will grow fewer with more time in between and one day we will both be living separate lives. But you will always be on my mind and in my heart.