A Much Needed Break

Bekah and I on the plane

Ed 

Early evening yesterday, I arrived from Nashville, Tennessee. I went down with Bekah, who is basically my second sister. I actually flew, my first time ever. The flight went well. We departed at 11:15 and arrived at 12:35. Annetta and Maddie (bekah's step mom and little half sister) picked us up and we went back to their house. Ed, Justin, and Carmen all arrived the next day. I felt like family instantly. The weekend consisted of all of us spending time together. We sat down and played games like sequence and uno, we also did tons of karaoke. It was nice being in a home with a family dynamic. Not saying that my house doesn't have that, but we have less of one than a typical family. Friday morning bekah and i walked upstairs and we found Eric (Bekah's dad) lying down on the floor playing with Maddie (2). To see a father spending time and loving his daughters was extraordinary for me. I know how special it is to those girls. I love seeing how people interact, especially when i'm given a chance to see the other half to my two best friends. I was able to see other sides to two people i love very much. I got to see where they have inherented some of their traits. Although, I know one of them was less than excited to have my company there, I enjoyed the opportunity I was given to go. I was able to feel apart of something, more so a family. I feel apart of my family, but there was so much love in that household. It reminded me of my past. I hope to be able to travel back with them soon.

Maddie and I

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A Frustrating Mind

Getting myself to write is an extremely difficult thing for me, as you may see. When i'm alone or just letting my mind take over I can find so many things to say and share with people. I'm the type of person who loves telling stories and explaining things to people, but when i'm not given the opportunity a switch flips in my mind and i tell myself that nothing no longer matters. i have had the switch for many years, and it has been easier to control as time goes on, but when it flips on it's own, so does my whole personality. No, i'm definitely not saying i'm bipolar. But there is a side to me that i refuse to let out. it's not who i want to be. It's a side of complete resistance to believe love and respect exists. Which triggers from my father's absence in my life. I find it necessary to be around my guy friends a lot, because they in some way help to fill that void. But, of course they are not the ones that will be capable of completely filling it. It's a void that will take my fathers love and presence.

But, throughout dealing with this hole i've seen myself coming to expect things from my family and friends. I don't allow myself to live without expectations. I live everyday believing something will happen or something should happen and i don't allow myself just to live. i spend each day trying to get by letting the void take over my life. I can't make myself realize that in order to live i don't have to make every effort to make everything work.

A very dominant side of me has a very big love for people and life, that is the side of me that i want to come out in my smile and actions every day. Learning how to kick old habbits is a very hard thing to do. But i know and pray that i can do it, but coming up with strength that i don't have is a hard thing.

Something Good for Me

Back in about January or February of this year, I had decided that I was tired of my school. Granted, I had only been there for 6 months I knew that it was not a place I wanted to be. Yes, I know, high school is a place no one wants to be. But, as for me, I had no interest in the high school experience. I had very little people i would talk to, i would walk to classes by myself and have the select few that i would eat lunch with. My social life consists of people outside of my school. So, i decided that for once in my life i wanted to do something to do help myself. I was not going to let myself be miserable. By this time basically every waking moment of my life was spent with abby and karly. The idea of me switching schools popped into my head and the more i began talking about it, the more i began to enjoy the idea of me switching schools to be with them. Finally, after a lot of hard convincing, i had convinced my mom that i wanted to transfer. By the last week of school my transfer was sent in.
As the summer came and is now going fast, i realized that i just have no interest in entering a high school. So, i decided to throw out the idea of online school. Within a week or two of me talking to my mom about it, i came to the conclusion that online school was now the best option for me. As of today, i am now enrolled in online school. It really didn't take much thinking for me to realize that this is the best decision i have made for myself in 6 years. I am now ecstatic about the idea of online school.
That being said I've obviously been given many opinions on what people think of this. All being completely negative. (my sister won't even gladly support me, knowing it is something that is going to make my life easier) I told myself that this is what i want, and that if people choose to not support me, then they don't care enough about me. Yes, i could be jeopardizing my whole social life. But i wouldn't change who i spend my time with for anything. I love the people in my life, and if they care about me as much as i care about them, i know they will stick around. But normally i would take all of everyone's opinions and run each one through my head multiple times, convincing myself that my decision is wrong. There has not been one thought that has crossed my mind after hearing their opinions that makes me want to change my mind. Which if you know me, you know it's a pretty big step. I'm finally able to make a decision on my own without caring about the fact that others may disagree. I cherish everyone's opinions. But in the end i know what is best for me. So, please cross your fingers in hope that i am able to succeed in this program, i have complete faith that i can.

"The Quiet Things That no one ever Knows"

No matter what I seem to do or say, I can't change the fact that i'm unhappy with things in my life. Aren't we all in this same position though? Time is such a critical thing, and I get that it's important to just live life and be accepting of new things. Though, there is so much more to this life. I want to be able to graduate high school and move toward the career, that at this point i can only dream of. I let fear be a driving force in my life. I fear that in the end everyone will leave me and I will be forced to continue on by myself. Of course I have the capability and strength to do so, but I want to share my life with people. I'm the type of person to take the time to enjoy the littlest things. Although, I choose to not expect those moments. Of course there are things that I know I deserve and want to have but I don't expect life to hand them to me or even let me have any piece of them. I'm not one to go out and get whatever I want till I have it, because I just don't even know how to do so. I can be stubborn and completely convince myself that i'm deserving of something, but somehow that stubbornness doesn't allow me to move forward to getting it. If I knew how to force myself to put myself out there to be successful in achieving the things i want, i would be so much more content with my state of mind.

Adjusting to feeling

For a few weeks  now I was told that a family very dear to me would possibly be moving back to their home town. Hoping that this was all talk and just options for them, it turned into a reality for all of us. Saturday, June 11, 2011. I received the text from Marcey explaining to me that they would be moving on June 25th. I can honestly say my feeling of numbness overwhelmed my body. Over the past year I let myself be distant from them, because it's easy for me to push away the people that care about me the most. But i've always needed her. Now, seeing that they will be moving in 8 days, i wish i could make up for lost time.

It's also very hard for me to accept the fact that as time goes on, time will get in between more and more. The visits to see my boys will end up growing fewer. It's hard for me to know that i won't be able to watch them grow. Along with their baby sister lilly, who will be born in october. Hearing that marcey was pregnant for the 3rd time brought so much happiness to me. I was so excited to know that i would be given the chance to watch another one of their kids grow up. Being their for all of Taylor's milestones and most of Noah's was the biggest blessing in my life.

On monday, June 13th, after i got off work, i drove to Raytown to visit them. I sat with marcey drinking coffee and gave her outfits for lilly until the boys woke up. I spent the next few hours watching the boys run around the house, hearing their feet pitter patter on the floor and listening to the sound of them saying my name whenever they needed me. I watched in awe of the 2 boys that i had seen grow for the past 3 years. My heart melted when i had to say goodbye to all of them. i'm hoping to see them one last time before they leave.

It still hurts to know that they will be over 2 hours away, when at one point they lived 2 minutes away. Among all of this sadness I'm still so excited for them. They have been wanting the chance to live back home for some time now with their families. It will be an amazing new start for them.

I'm so excited for you Marcey, I know it may be hard for you to believe, but you still mean the world to me. I love you so much. I owe you for every single thing you have done for me. I promise to visit, but at some point i know those visits will grow fewer with more time in between and one day we will both be living separate lives. But you will always be on my mind and in my heart.

Rekindling

Two and a half years ago someone extremely important entered my life. She became someone that gave me the strength that had left me long before; I never knew how much of an impact she would forever leave with me. She became a sister to me, putting up with me many times. I'm sure it took a lot of patience for her. She did every single thing possible to make sure that i knew everything would be okay in the end. I spent endless hours with her. She and her husband and her two little boys became my second family.

Their little boy's names are Taylor (2) and Noah (4). They are my life. I entered Noah's life when he was 1 1/2, obviously Tay had yet to be born. But on May 20th, 2009, Taylor Strat Combs entered the world. These boys are such a blessing in my life. Being able to watch them grow up and experience the little things in life has been an amazing experience. They both have such extraordinary personalities. I love them both so much.

Yesterday, I was able to spend the day with them. We had dinner at chick-fil-a. After that i was given the chance to watch the boys for the night. We played outside and had ice cream. Then we came in later and played inside. I even got to spend a little bit of time cuddling with both of them, even though they are growing up (way too fast). i love them so much, i cherish every minute with them.

I owe so much to Marcey and her family, without them i have no idea where i would be. I love you all so much. thank you <3

The Normal Craziness

Well.. the past weekend has consisted of sadness, frustration, laughing, annoyance, beautiful people, and everlasting memories. Friday night was the candle light vigil for Rhyder, the boy that was murdered a week ago. This had been the first candle light vigil i went to since the death of my cousin, Justin. Being that i am a part of family that has lost someone it was impossible to stand there and not feel what i felt over 8 months ago. Knowing how hurt that family is tears my heart apart. I know what this family has in store, and my heart breaks for them. The death of someone is so unfathomable until you experience it. Keep this family in your prayers, as the rest of their lives are forever changed. After this we(my cousin, karly, hannah, and i) left to pick up my aunt to head to uptown for a concert that her friend and my old co-worker was playing in. That was a blast, besides the fact that some crazy drunk lady freaked out because she left her purse unattended and we gave it to the bar and some random lady came up and took it. Turned out that her daughter was the one that went and picked it up. Some people just can't control themselves. The night proceeded with us going to my friend Ed's. We sat around all having a good time.

Saturday was a cousin day, Kerrigan, abby, and I all went out shopping with our grandpa's wife at town center plaza. I got 2 dresses and some new underwear. After shopping we went out to dinner at cinzetti's. If you have never been.. you have to go. It's super expensive, but one hundred percent worth it. After that we dropped kerr off. Abby and I were then off to meet up with our group of friends(Karly, Josh, Andy, Ellie, George, Sam, Ashton), minus a few people(Ed, connor, Will, Becca). We all met up at the shawnee mission park tower, and it just so happened to be a bit chilly and windy. The temperature was definitely not ideal, but we all managed to enjoy ourselves. Later that night Abby, karly, and i decided to make a midnight run to Steak 'n shake. I enjoy my time with just us girls. They are my best friends and i couldn't live without them.

Today was a pretty chill day. Abby and I came back to olathe to hang with my sister and mom. Later we picked up Ed, karly, and ryan (my other cousin). We met up with sam and went to dinner at Margaritas, then went to the park.

Although there was few people with us tonight, i cherish my time with every single one of them. They all challenge me in so many different ways. I love all of them with all my heart. Every single one of them has something special to offer. It's every single one of them that has saved me. Without them i would not be where i am now. All of them at some point or another has been there to listen to me talk or given me a shoulder to cry on. There is no one else as special as they are. Sometimes i wish they knew how much they actually meant to me, because i know they don't. I would do anything to give any single one of them something they deserve. I do everything and anything possible to help them or be an amazing friend. I love all of you so much, Abby, Karly, Ed, Josh, Connor, Will, Sam, George, Ash <3

learning something new

Now this whole blog thing is pretty new to me.. Yes, i have a tumblr, but i don't count that as a blog, because you're just posting random funny things. I made the decision to create a blog due to the fact that i believe in every way possible that i have gone through every single thing in my life to make myself stronger and help others. Well, honestly if i didn't believe that.. i wouldn't know what else to think. I've been contemplating the possibility of creating a blog for about a month now. One morning i just woke up and decided that i was going to do so, and as i do so bare with me, i will get better. I will post things and say things that people will disagree with, i'm sorry if i ever offend anybody. That is obviously not my intention, but here we go.

My life up until the age of 10 was perfect in my own eyes. Of course i'm sure there were things that others (that were much older and wiser) noticed and saw. Up until recently i didn't realize that no matter what age you are horrible things happen. As you grow older, the innocence of being a child is taken away. Of course i believe that when i reached 10 i was forced to skip from being a child to an adult. I feel like i have been deprived of my teen years up until recently. 2004 (10) was the year my parents began having difficulties, at least ones that were being made very apparent to me. The problems continued until February 5th of my 8th grade year, that also being the day i moved in with my grandma with my mom and brother. From there the separation lasted until my first day of school in August of my freshman year, when the divorce papers were given out. The divorce was finalized in October of my Sophomore year of high school.

Since the time of my parents divorce being finalized i have been put through struggles every day of my life. I do have my days when i'm carefree and enjoy time with the people closest to me. Although, i will forever be a  broken heart, someone in need of care and comfort. I've come to realize that i need to be more open with the people and friends around me, but somehow i convince myself that they don't care enough to listen. I'm the type of person that needs to be straight up told how much i'm cared about. I think that's because i'm never told enough how much i'm loved. I need that, i always have so much love to give out but sometimes seem to have none in return. It creates an empty feeling that leaves me with many unanswered questions.. do i annoy them? does he like me because i'm "sexy"? why do they spend time with me? I may never get the answers to these questions, but i've told myself that that's okay. Love isn't easily explained, you just have to trust that it's there. Trust may not be easy, but it's how i've coped with my parents divorce. I have to trust that the day will come when this issue will no longer affect me, but it will just make me, me.