Five weeks and two days ago, I was faced head on with my worst fear. My best friend and someone who had already had a permanent place in my heart was stripped from my life. While growing up, I was a kid very fortunate to have a lot, but never felt like that was the case. The simplest things were those that made me happiest. Since the age of 12 years old I have known that from high school I would continue on into nursing school to hopefully at one point become a labor and delivery nurse. I also planned to have husband and many beautiful children. My whole life, there has been nothing more exciting for me than the idea of one day becoming a mother.
Since the passing of my best friend I have fought to continue to want those things, but it seemed inevitable that my want for those things would have to once more grow in time. I knew the lack of interest centered from my grief. Though I still struggled to understand why that would be the case when those have been things I longed for a very long time. Until, I heard that quote tonight. In that moment, a very short sentence summed up how I have been feeling. I would rather fight to recover all the memories I have with Connor than create new ones, because he can't be apart of what is to come. He can't be here to see me experience all these things that I have always wished to experience. That's impossible to grasp.
I would begin to put into words how greatly this very horrific loss has affected me but I can't. I can't explain the hurt i'm forced to face every morning knowing this is my reality and every moment that can't center around him. The one thing I can begin to say is that I was one of the luckiest people in the world to of had the chance to be so close to someone so extremely special.
To all of you that have someone that you know you never want to live without, make sure that person knows that. Connor knew that I only wanted the best for him, he knew I would give him the world if I could. What he has now is a peace of mind and healed heart. If he has everything he ever wanted than I will face the pain and smile knowing he's where he wants to be.
I know you will forever stay by my side and watch over me, I love you till the end of the earth. Rest in Peace my beautiful friend, I will keep you close till my time is up and your embrace will be within my reach once again.
Praying for you Jessica. I know there is a lot of pain that comes with losing someone so close. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. You are loved by many and are deeply cared about.
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