A Delayed Mind

With very little time and a mind that is as confused as the body following it, i continue to live my life in hope that some glimpse of sunlight will fall into my sight. As 5 weeks soon became 20, because for some reason 20 weeks seems shorter than 5 months. It doesn't seem possible to know that it's been nearly 6 months since a time that seemed like yesterday. If you can't tell already i am very much stuck in my past, because that is a time where i would much rather be. A time that consisted of friendships that were as simple as the things that entertained them. For now it's the idea of what's next and how do we keep ourselves from facing the fact that our best friend forced his own fate, that I know put him in the most content place he could be and maybe gave him a view that allows him to love us even more so than he could when his presence was with us. I really have no true answer to that though. Which is quite possibly the thing that makes me the craziest, the unknown whereabouts of someone who i long to spend just one more moment with. 

When my schedule consists of working, sleeping, school twice a week, and the few hours i'm able to possibly spend with my friends. I have little time with my thoughts, meaning that when i can think, all i want is to focus on him. When from another persons perspective i'm obviously going through the right motions in life, working towards a degree, saving up to eventually move out on my own with my age soon nearing 18, and maybe a normal social life. well from my point of view i'm stuck in a time where my memories are my realities, because like i said in my last blog, you know someone meant something when your memories become more important than your dreams. still, nearing half a year i fall deeper and deeper into a hole hoping to remember all the things i possibly can from a life that will not be able to ever occur again until possibly another life time.

A Forced Reality

While watching the series finale of Desperate Housewives tonight Susan Delfino's daughter asks her if she will ever consider marrying anyone after the loss of her husband. Susan responds with, "You know that person meant something when your memories became more important than your dreams."


Five weeks and two days ago, I was faced head on with my worst fear. My best friend and someone who had already had a permanent place in my heart was stripped from my life. While growing up, I was a kid very fortunate to have a lot, but never felt like that was the case. The simplest things were those that made me happiest. Since the age of 12 years old I have known that from high school I would continue on into nursing school to hopefully at one point become a labor and delivery nurse. I also planned to have husband and many beautiful children. My whole life, there has been nothing more exciting for me than the idea of one day becoming a mother.


Since the passing of my best friend I have fought to continue to want those things, but it seemed inevitable that my want for those things would have to once more grow in time. I knew the lack of interest centered from my grief. Though I still struggled to understand why that would be the case when those have been things I longed for a very long time. Until, I heard that quote tonight. In that moment, a very short sentence summed up how I have been feeling. I would rather fight to recover all the memories I have with Connor than create new ones, because he can't be apart of what is to come. He can't be here to see me experience all these things that I have always wished to experience. That's impossible to grasp.


I would begin to put into words how greatly this very horrific loss has affected me but I can't. I can't explain the hurt i'm forced to face every morning knowing this is my reality and every moment that can't center around him. The one thing I can begin to say is that I was one of the luckiest people in the world to of had the chance to be so close to someone so extremely special.


To all of you that have someone that you know you never want to live without, make sure that person knows that. Connor knew that I only wanted the best for him, he knew I would give him the world if I could. What he has now is a peace of mind and healed heart. If he has everything he ever wanted than I will face the pain and smile knowing he's where he wants to be.


I know you will forever stay by my side and watch over me, I love you till the end of the earth. Rest in Peace my beautiful friend, I will keep you close till my time is up and your embrace will be within my reach once again.