learning something new

Now this whole blog thing is pretty new to me.. Yes, i have a tumblr, but i don't count that as a blog, because you're just posting random funny things. I made the decision to create a blog due to the fact that i believe in every way possible that i have gone through every single thing in my life to make myself stronger and help others. Well, honestly if i didn't believe that.. i wouldn't know what else to think. I've been contemplating the possibility of creating a blog for about a month now. One morning i just woke up and decided that i was going to do so, and as i do so bare with me, i will get better. I will post things and say things that people will disagree with, i'm sorry if i ever offend anybody. That is obviously not my intention, but here we go.

My life up until the age of 10 was perfect in my own eyes. Of course i'm sure there were things that others (that were much older and wiser) noticed and saw. Up until recently i didn't realize that no matter what age you are horrible things happen. As you grow older, the innocence of being a child is taken away. Of course i believe that when i reached 10 i was forced to skip from being a child to an adult. I feel like i have been deprived of my teen years up until recently. 2004 (10) was the year my parents began having difficulties, at least ones that were being made very apparent to me. The problems continued until February 5th of my 8th grade year, that also being the day i moved in with my grandma with my mom and brother. From there the separation lasted until my first day of school in August of my freshman year, when the divorce papers were given out. The divorce was finalized in October of my Sophomore year of high school.

Since the time of my parents divorce being finalized i have been put through struggles every day of my life. I do have my days when i'm carefree and enjoy time with the people closest to me. Although, i will forever be a  broken heart, someone in need of care and comfort. I've come to realize that i need to be more open with the people and friends around me, but somehow i convince myself that they don't care enough to listen. I'm the type of person that needs to be straight up told how much i'm cared about. I think that's because i'm never told enough how much i'm loved. I need that, i always have so much love to give out but sometimes seem to have none in return. It creates an empty feeling that leaves me with many unanswered questions.. do i annoy them? does he like me because i'm "sexy"? why do they spend time with me? I may never get the answers to these questions, but i've told myself that that's okay. Love isn't easily explained, you just have to trust that it's there. Trust may not be easy, but it's how i've coped with my parents divorce. I have to trust that the day will come when this issue will no longer affect me, but it will just make me, me.