Getting myself to write is an extremely difficult thing for me, as you may see. When i'm alone or just letting my mind take over I can find so many things to say and share with people. I'm the type of person who loves telling stories and explaining things to people, but when i'm not given the opportunity a switch flips in my mind and i tell myself that nothing no longer matters. i have had the switch for many years, and it has been easier to control as time goes on, but when it flips on it's own, so does my whole personality. No, i'm definitely not saying i'm bipolar. But there is a side to me that i refuse to let out. it's not who i want to be. It's a side of complete resistance to believe love and respect exists. Which triggers from my father's absence in my life. I find it necessary to be around my guy friends a lot, because they in some way help to fill that void. But, of course they are not the ones that will be capable of completely filling it. It's a void that will take my fathers love and presence.
But, throughout dealing with this hole i've seen myself coming to expect things from my family and friends. I don't allow myself to live without expectations. I live everyday believing something will happen or something should happen and i don't allow myself just to live. i spend each day trying to get by letting the void take over my life. I can't make myself realize that in order to live i don't have to make every effort to make everything work.
A very dominant side of me has a very big love for people and life, that is the side of me that i want to come out in my smile and actions every day. Learning how to kick old habbits is a very hard thing to do. But i know and pray that i can do it, but coming up with strength that i don't have is a hard thing.
